Only two of the old crew have kept in touch and the years of being "top kiddy" have been good for Chaz and his 1st Lt. Gaz. They'd ruled the new turf with an iron fist and nobody could cruise their bit of the high street unless they were bigger than Chaz's dad and even then they were classed as lucky .
Chaz was top of the tree and since Toby had been sent down for nicking one too many sets of neon valve caps for his bike he'd had a top ride. It'd been a long struggle to get the cash together and it'd been difficult to persuade Toby's parents that the car could be made road legal but finally he'd scraped together the £250 and now had a car to call his own. The motor, mostly bright red paintwork with a bit of brown on the rear arches and hatch now had pride of place in his Nan's garage (as his parents said it would lower the tone on their driveway), where the final fettling' ready for a summer of cruising was being carried out. Three spoke alloys adorned each corner and the big Tony down at Kwik Fit said that the Smakitumi's were the finest remould you could get. It even has it's own 16V badge on the back saving him another couple of quid down Halfords. Toby had always said it was Stage 3 tuned but nobody could find out what Stages one and two were let alone three but the dayglo plug leads with the special clip on numbers and the half polished rocker cover had to be a good sign, if only Winston had still been around to guide him rather than being "extra crispy". He'd have to get the word out that he was looking for a new guru to head up the tuning team, and then with the Calibra fully slammed he could set about getting a new crew together. Now if he could only work out why it wouldn't run and get the money together for a few more driving lessons he'd be for racing.
After a hectic day tuning cars at Kwik fit Gaz puts out a text to the Posey for a group petrol station fill up. Simsbury 's is tonight's chosen destination as it's closest to McDonald's and the local Halfords. The Nova 1.1 with the big turbo badge is the first to the pump. The petrol station staff are on look out nervously as the sounds of gangster rap pumping from a white Orion with a black door echoes through the filling station. One by one they put two and three pounds of petrol in so as not to weigh down the car thus reducing performance. Kev decides not to fill up as the fuel lights only been on for 2 days and it's not pay day till the end of the week. A MK4 Toyota Supra passes the station and an array of heads turn. A Corsa sport driver is the first to claim to have pissed all over that at the lights a few days prior and most of the Posey agree to have done the same. Final checks of the cars are made a few gallons of oil topped up and virgin phone card purchased for the night ahead. Toby had been told by another hardcore street racer (his mate from McDonalds) that these mods coupled together added another 250hp:
Dayglo leads - 50hp
clip on numbers - 60hp
polished rocker cover - 60hp
Toby added another 80hp on cos he is a well good driver 'innit.
He was a bit apprehensive of all this power at the wheels, but he'd modded his brakes too (by painting the drums) so he felt safer.
Besides, he had front wheel drive, which is far superior for hugely powered cars.
As a lot of time had passed they had all got new cars,
Sooped up Ford Ka...
Still the Saxo VTS (Really 1.2 with a sticker on)
Clio 3l V6 no traction model...
Vauxhall Calibra (Non turbo cause he can't afford the insurance)
Suzuki Alto running 12bhp and 400bhp shot of NOS.
MG ZR (Well painted yellow and glued on badges so it must be a MG)
Lotus Carlton 1.8l 6 Teir Ally Spoiler, 20" Splits with 3 mm rubber and a Stereo that can cause the owner to shit himself when he plays anything with bass.
Ohh and a fiesta XR2 with a 17” dimma petrol cap and 15” alloys.
Sadly, Winston did pass away in the first installment, whilst attempting to propane his nova. A nasty accident that could happen to the best of us! But that's a risk many have to take to achieve the huge power outputs capable out of 1.3 nova SR engines. Ah yes, Winston was a good lad...... how would they tune their cars without him....?? As a mark of respect, the nova massive now drive around with only half of their neon under lighting on. This has nothing to do with the fact that the bulbs have gone and they are WELL expensive to replace, aaiigght! Especially as they lock em away in Halfrauds now cos they kept being nicked, so they have to be bought!! Heaven forbid!! Kev is now going out with Colette; they met in the local garage where she is a "lifter” She is already pregnant wiv someone else's kid just to get a house of da council. She says she's 15, but really she's 14. The bloke she had the kid with, she'd been engaged to since the age of 9.
Here is the official definition of Colette:
Colette
Generic name given to girl fitting typical description of female inhabitants of rough council estates. Defining features can be swept back blonde hair, big 'hoop' dangly earrings, "harsh" face, Adidas/Kappa baggy tracksuit, pushing baby in pram on way to school/cruise - the baby is smoking.
Also appropriate...
Kappa Slappa
Term used to describe - smoking/tracksuit wearing/attitude infested/Creole Earring/Sovereign Ringed/died hair - tied back/facial sores/Reebok classics/Bucket genitalia/Wears same "fong" all week. Kinda girls - synonymous with cruises. For every fit bird photographed at the Cruise by Max Power there are 50+ of these Kappa's shuffling round. They are also generally engaged to be married since the age of 15 too
It was late, so late in fact that some no name had beaten Gaz to the chippy for the "crispy bits". He was on a mission tho and he'd have to be on top of his game if he was going to pull it off (just thinking about pulling it off made him giggle to himself but he soon calmed down thinking of what lay ahead). He was out to suss out the crew from further up the high street (from the post box to the arcade) he'd heard that they were pulling in new recruits and some could still use their mom's cars and he wanted to know why. As he edged round the corner toward the two rows of lockups, his first guess at a likely hideout he could hear the not too steady but unmistakable sound of a ford CVH with, if his ears didn't deceive him a peco big bore. There were a few muffled voices but he couldn't make out what was going on so he edged closer.
"Look, I've told you Bran, optimax makes her run funny and the bloke down the petrol stations told me not to block the pumps as that's what the " real cars " use"
"Yer but Wayne, how do you know what yer running it on"
"What d'ya mean?"
"Well you spend most nights out siphoning the stuff, you've even tried it on diesel"
"Well if it's good enuff for the F&TF its good enuff for me"
Gaz thinks I thought Diesel was one of the actors but then decides that these guys seem well up on cars so strolls round the corner
"aaiiiiight" says Gaz
"aaiiiiight" the two others chirp up in unison
Gaz glances at the car, a 1989 fiesta lurks somewhere under the stick on air vents and the huge amount of stickers and dodgy roof spoiler.
"Nice ride there mate, what's she pushin out?” asked Gaz
"Well I've not had it on the rollers, real tuners don't use em, but I had this guy in a VTS away from the lights and he said that he'd beaten a 1.6 Cossie Saphire that he was told had almost caught up with this Cinquecento Sporting which is rumored to have a Turbo Set fitted and puts out about 250 so I reckon its got to be 300........ At least" said the owner patting the roof carefully.
"Not bad at all, fancy coming to a cruise on Sat" says Gaz
"Yer spose I could make it, if it's not too late as I start at Maccy's at 8"
"OK we normally meet in the B&Q car park, see yer there" says Gaz and he walks back towards the main road, two more possible recruits but the night was still young (sounds a bit like Will Young he thought, his mind wondering as it often did) and he had more important business. Late one night in Asda car park in the freezing cold and huddled around a single roll-up that everyone's pretending is a spliff, even Gaz agrees that da FTO is better than most of the other 'Jap crap' like the RX-7, Supra and 200SX. Reason being is that it's front wheel drive, rather than rear wheel drive like the others. He takes another deep toke and speaks his words of wisdom:
"shopping trolleys are driven from da back, innit. And everyone knows they got crappy handlin' too, so Front wheelz drive is clearly betta. And fronts wheel spins betta, and EVERYONE knows dat only powerful cars wheel spin when turning out of junctions on full lock at five miles an hour"
He looks around, daring anyone to argue with his two years of tuning expertise and continues:
"Enywayz, Look at all the cars dat are in the magazines: Corsas, Saxos, Novas... all front wheelz drive. Dey wouldn't be in da street mags if rear wheel drive was betta, wud dey"
They all nod sagely. None of them can afford the mags, but thankfully Colette nicks them from the garage. They read them all, although by the time they've been passed around, a lot of the pages are really sticky. There's a series of clanks and metallic noises in the distance... The possie look up to see the young spotty teenager expertly handle a string of 40 shopping trolleys into a bay. If you listen closely to the possie, you can practically hear the brain gears slowly turning.
"Fcukin hell..."
The rollie is passed and someone takes a deep suck on it.
"If he can 'andle dem trolliez like dat... I wonder if he can drive"
......Whilst kev n Craig are cruizin round town; Kev sees collete ova at da drive frough and decides to giv'it 'large ova' 2 da window where she works.
"I 'ave a race later wiv garry'z cossie, waannna come inda back of me car?" asks kev
"Awriite I is up for dat, but I 'ave ta bring Darrell n 'is push chair 2" answers Colette
"yeeeeearrr ok but ma boooot iz full of subsss so ya 'ave to put it in da back"
"Ok lovvvaa I won't rip ya max-power seeeat cova's init" says Colette
kev then proceeds to wind up his boost to 38psi, he does after all have a "stage 4 'head" and a "ibrid" on his Renault 5 gt turbo
Kev then turn's his Max Power baseball cap so it sits backwards and he blips the throttle. An almighty bang ensues and Kev's cylinder head exits his overly large Scooby vent that was super glued onto the bonnet and rises about 15 feet in the air and lands on Garry'z windscreen. Kev realises those roofing bolts just weren't strong enough.
Garry is well pissed off and exits the car rapidly with baseball bat in hand hell bent on revenge but Kev has ditched his mota and is legging it across the drive through car park and Garry gives chase, suddenly from nowhere a bright purple Nova appears screaming its nuts off at 6000rpm doing 25mph pulls up and the passenger door opens and the spotty teenager he'd seen earlier pushing trolleys says “get in quick!” and they pull away from the baseball bat wielding Garry.
Fcuk that was close he nearly had you! Says Spotty teenager and introduces himself as Dillon Dominic Jones aka Dildo for short.
They swap kill stories for a while then Kev starts to look over Dildo's wheels asking what's under the bonnet.
‘Well' says Dildo ‘it's a 1.3 SR with twin entry self designed electric turbo's which is all my own work' he proudly boasts, ‘I got the idea from the Twin Turbo Zet but my crap wages do not stretch to that kind of mod and I think they are way to expensive so I got a pair of 10,000rpm computer fans and hooked them up to my special HKS style air intake which consists of a large bath sponge with purple coloured mesh glued onto a flat piece of ally,' Kev is in awe of this modding god. He's found his new Winston
Kev is obviously impressed by this tuning savvy. He also eye's Dildo's 'Max Power' seatbelt cozies and 'FUK' beanie cap with obvious envy. Nobody in the possie managed to get to these goodies, because Collette fitted the cozies to the pram, and cut a hole in the hat to give to her mum as a tea-cozy in thanks for the new sovereign ring her mum had bought her from the bloke in the pub.
'Yeah' Kev grudgingly admits 'It's a nice motor. Pretty sorted, but yer loosin power with those unpainted rear brake drums, and that nearly Jap filter is ok, but you'd got 10 more 'horses from a K&N sticka in the window.'
'Aiiii, s'right' Says dildo, driving whilst texting imaginary friends with the other hand. 'But this is me runabout, not me track car'
'Track car!!'
'Yer, I got a project,' reveals Dildo. ‘S'gonna be great. She'll be quick. Well rapid, pokey and maxed, sorted, cosha, wikked AND slammed. Gonna take it up da Pod in the summer and wipe the smiles off some of those Skyline owner's faces. But you gotta promise to keep it quiet ''Why's dat, dildo?'
'Coz it's a secret. All the top tuners will nick me ideas. That Si Norris bloke was on the estate visiting his Auntie a few weeks ago and now his Japcrap thing is runnin ten seconds. You can't tell me he didn't take a shuftie in me lockup while he was here. Bet he came up here just to have a butchers. And that Ronnie Rocket bloke was around in the winter. I reckon he's nicked me idea of using leightweight paint on the callipers and drilling holes in the wheels to save unsprung weight and cool the brakes. You wait. Gonna teach em a thing or two this year. And I'm gonna enter the drift competitions'
Kev looks confused. 'The what??'
'Y'know. Driftin'. Goin sideways in the car'
'Oh like when you get the two McDonald's trays and...'
'No. Proper like. All the magazines are doin stuff on it. They recon all you need is loadsa powa, rear wheel drive and loadsa skill. An there's almost no chance of your big ends going. I'm gonna do that, and I'm gonna win all those HKS prizes.'
'HKS? Don't they make computas?'
'Nah, That's IBM. HKS make fasta parts. I could get some wikked stickas. And I been pushin the trolleys since I was 16, so I reckon I got da leet skillz at goin sideways uncontrollably and random direction changes'
The car pulls in for petrol, rolling up to an Optimax pump. Dildo sorts through the ashtray for change and finds enough for the minimum two litres.
'Coor Optimax. I really notice loadsa extra power when I put that in mine once, but it's a bit pricey'
'So mate. Where too now? Fancy catching some prime beef then going to catch the races up at da strip and cruise for some hot chicks'
'Yeah, I'm up for a maccy Ds, a thrash round the one way system and trying to pick up one of the drunk 16 years olds when they leave the club by driving past shouting 'Oi Oi' at them'
'Oh crap mate, I went over on the pump, you got 3p spare?'
Dildo pays for the petrol before coming back to the car and adding half a coke bottle of his secret octane booster to the tank before heading around to the driver's seat. Moments later, the nova disappears in a cloud of scrabbly wheelspin and oily fumes.
‘so dildo...whats the secret mota then??' asks kev. ‘It's gotta be da nutz.'
'I as decided to go the 4WD fing...coz its grip ya need to do them skylines.....and when I Bang out da choons from da back I is gettin nuff respeck.'
'so dildo...what is da mota den????'
'You can't tell no one' as they roll up to the council lock up block, missing a couple of burnt out wrecks. kev gets all excited This is downtown da hood....
….jumping outta da mota dildo produces a set of keys, opening the battered brown garage door, its there. a greeny type of colour the car farts into life the peco back box with the biggest nescafe tin glued onto it to make it look hooooge rasps as he backs it out it catches the light of the nova headlights
' kkoooolllll' screams kev like a girl, ‘man dat is one kool paint job never seen such a finish' shouts kev
'did it all myself' grins dildo ‘dat ammerite is so much better, stops all da rust too
From round the corner they hear a tssschk of a dump valve,
"F**k me" says Kev "it's that guy in the Cossie!!"
The Dagenham dustbin with the turbo the size of Bistol screams toward them through the 30mph zone, clearly ready to put Dildo and his 'track car' in his place, but completely misses third and turns the corner and heads in the oppersite direction in a fit of embarrassment.
‘Yeah man!' says Dildo ‘he ain't got the bollocks to challenge me to a race'
Kev's overwhelmed by what he's experiencing tonight, he's found his god.
Later that day kev is out in his Orion crusin da strip when he notices a knocked down sign post (that big-Steve stacked his corsa into)
‘oooh I'll 'ave dat it will make a wikki zorst for me mota"
shaazaaa (complete with dolphin training hoop earings);
"yeahhh you'll get loadsa power it sez here in da bible (sorry) max-power"
"wikkid lets go init" says K ev runnig over to pick it up…..
Two hours later they have the zorst welded to the cassis fitting like a dream. It was only a small matter of cuttin some bits off the underneath, but nothing some skilled angle-grindin' couldn't sort. This effort was also helped because several bits fell out due to rust.
That Night kev sleeps well; safe in the knowledge that he has the loudest car in the world, it is after all, an 8-foot long 100mm steel tube. Mean while Dave and Pete in there nova are chattin about just how fast da nova GSi iz:
"well mate iv heard that it iz quick mate"
"yeah man it is, giv that new porche a run four it's money it wud," "me and Trev 'ad that last week, that bloke that drives its a nonce, e is worse Dan Simon Norris he is"
"I wud have it top end doug, ma 20s help. I hav seen 178 on the speedo and I had more left init"
Jacob is cruising around when, suddenly, he sees his sister, Josette, with some white guy. He slows down and turns the ICE down slightly to concentrate more. This must be the guy who keeps sending her flowers! He looks closer and sees that they are standing next to what looks like a Ford Capri . As he watches through the darkened windows, the guy kisses his sister and they get in the car. Jacob turns the stereo down some more, and is nearly deafened by the growl as the Capri roars into life.
'I'll teach him' snarls Jacob, and, as the Capri begins to move, Jacob floors it and blocks the exit of the car park.
Josette says to her man, Jase, 'that's my brother; what's he want?'
Just then, Jacob hurls himself over to the Capri and says 'if you wanna date my sis, you have to race me. If you get to McDonalds first, you can keep her!' Josette is screaming at Jacob that it is non of his business who she dates. Jase says nothing.
'Right, then' Jacob storms off and jumps into his machine and screams down the road. Jase guns the Capri and is soon doing 35 in 2nd; engine howling. Another chang, and the needle is soon at 65 in 3rd and they are catching Jacob. 90 in 4th and the revs are still building. Josette is nearly loosing control of her bladder, whilst Jase is homing in. The Capri is now level and Jacob is sweating. He is working the 'box, but can't find the revs. The Capri hits 133 in 5th and rockets passed. McDonalds is in sight, and the Capri is doing 150 in 6th. Speed is dumped, tyres squeal and clouds of smoke obscure the road, as the Capri slids into the car-park.
'You okay sweetheart?' Josette is still too shocked to say anything. Time ticks by, and Jacob swerves into the car park and stops next to the Capri . He lowers the window down and sticks out his hand.
'Well done. What you got in there?'
Jase pops the bonnet release and gets out. The block is still hot, but he is able to show Jacob the two turbos and ABS pump.
Jacob is silent as Jase also points out the supercharger and six-speed 'box. Just then, Gaz drives up - he had been in the drive-thru getting a bite and saw the action in its latter stages.
'Nice machine man'. Josette has calmed down and Jacob says to her 'I was wrong, you need this guy'. |
