You meet our hero Gary, Gaz works in Halfords and drives a Saxo VT something or other with an enormous exhaust and rear spoiler to suit. Sharon, the love interest, spots our Gaz in Halfords one morning as she called in to buy some red caliper spray for her XR2i. 'Lovely looking motor but unfortunately rusting around the rear arches.' Sharon's brother, John, the local hard nut drives an Escort Cossy and any mention of it not being a genuine gets treated with a but end of a snooker cue he keeps next to the drivers seat.
John has always been in troubled since his dad died in a street race between his Dads Escort Mexico and this new Capri . Both cars were racing down this country lane when the Capri driver saw they were approaching a sharp bend, well you can imagine the rest. One day Gaz realizes that if he's ever going to play with the big boys he needs power, HE NEEDS A NAX POWER STICKER!! With the Saxo now up to almost 110bhp he heads down to Southend. Little does he know the evil SXOC are laying in wait?
Dave, is an undercover officer sent in to investigate Gaz and co. It's suspected they are involved in stealing car stereos to fund their love of harness pads and neon washers. Dave, turns up at a cruise in a G G'reg Orion Ghia, with all the best mod's - TSW Venoms, stick on aero filler cap, Peco BB4, "Motorsport" sticker across windscreen, all funded by the Met.
Dave approaches Gaz and offers to race him - the winner gets to keep the others car. ‘A Star Wars Pod Racer style race around Halfords car park then ensues.'
John's best pal so far is Jacob who drives a Beemer 325i. Cut suspension springs so it's a mil of the floor. Blacked out windows (all round) and jet-black re spray. Jacob has that many Bass bins in the car that only Barry White and Wales hear what he has playing on the Kenwood system. Jacob recently dented the front end after trying to park in a multi stor'ey car park; apparently he could not see a thing out of the windows in that lighting. John is also a little deaf after recently winning a sound off at the Max Power show. The Alpine system is so powerful that his fillings in his teeth have dropped out.
‘Just trying to give some depth to the characters now... if that's possible.'
Gaz holes a piston in his Saxo after a freak power surge, caused by turning of his ice, sent his "turboZet" haywire. While getting a lift home in his mate kev's nova (filled with 8 baseball cap wearing spotty kids) they pull up alongside a Porsche boxter at the lights, sensing an opportunity to impress, kev revs his "chariot" trying to get the attention of the Porsche driver. The tension mounts as the lights change from red to amber, all the gimps press there faces against the windows in anticipation, GREEN and there off with kev lighting up his street racer re moulds and the thunderous roar of his blowing Peco. The Porsche turns left, but hey it's still a win as far as kev's concerned, they decide to celebrate by stopping of at the local McDonalds and letting everyone know how they wasted this Porsche, ‘must have been the airbox mod', mentions one of the guys.
Meanwhile, Jacob has been pulled for the 10th time today and given a producer and a warning about his driving, seems the police in his hood don't like him mounting the pavement to scare one of his mates he's just seen, either that or they're just jealous about his fatt motor. Gangsta rap blaring out he pulls into the super market car park impressing the local 15 year old girls, he cruises up and chats to them about his gangsta lifestyle, about how he's been shot at and how his posse is the meanest in the city. One of the girls asks him for a lift into town, he helps her put the pushchair in the boot and off they go. Once he's dropped her off Jacob decides to go home and smoke some weed. Pulling into his drive he notices his dad's Jag isn't in the double garage of the detached house in the leafy suburbs of the city. He parks up and saunters up to the door, suddenly it fly's open and there stands his mum
" Jacob, Jacob" she shouts as he ducks to avoid a glancing slap from mum,
" Jacob, your reversed into your dads car again this morning didn't you?"
She clips him around the ear and sends him up to his room to await his dad's return. Jacob cowers in the corner crying, knowing what's about to happen. Dad is going to shout at him again!!!
Next day they all agree to meet at Halfords at 2pm to drool over the red ally sunglasses holder and matching accessories. Gaz is outside painting the letters on his Firestone tyres with white paint, they join him after purchasing wiper boots and a fake bee sting ariel. A rather large rumble attracts the attention of the group, except for John who still has this ringing in his ears from the sound off. The rumble is getting louder and louder. Then out of the blue they see over the road a 200sx wiz by followed by a Skyline. Then 5, maybe 6 more 200sx go by. Each and every driver wearing a stupid grin. The group try to ignore this convoy of power. John breaks the ice,
‘I hear they are all going to a place called Billing...'
‘Yes, Billing I have heard of this magical place, full of Jap motors and happy, mostly drunk owners.' Jacob replies
Then the realization hits home, This Citroen or Nova that they so desperately want to look like a F&F contender, never will. John speaks again;
‘One day I will have a car that will be the pride of Billing'
‘We all should have our dreams'
After seeing this, they are obviously feeling a little dis - heartened.
But Hark!! One of them yells as they all look into the distance, where a tinny, rattle rumble can be heard.
[Cue new character, Winston in his Nova SR with fading, flaking body kit, and chrome hubcaps]
He wheel spins in to the Halfords car park, but stalls it cos his foot slips off the clutch. Everyone gathers around his beast of a motor. Winston lifts up the bonnet.
[Revered silence, followed by a gasp]
"Ok, check it out, I've got a Vauxhall tuned 1300cc block, um, standard head, um, urr, coloured leads??, de- air filtered, I've mounted my mums hair dryer on the single choke carb, just as good as a turbo, and genuine Heinz [not a cheaper alternative] baked bean can zorst. It's pulling nearly 5hp over standard!!” He exclaims.
With the crowd clearly impressed with his engine tuning skills, they all clamber into his nova [yes all of them] and race after the 200sx's that whizzed by nearly 5 minutes ago now, determined to catch them up and teach them all a lesson. The boys decide that Billing should be the ultimate place to go and whup Jap Car ass, but first they need to home their skills.
They disembark to the local Shell garage on the bypass and sit there with their ‘biatches' until nearly midnight. Then, in pairs, they take turns to perfect those oh so important ‘raggin it' driving attributes.
First: The cripple hook – the impossible art of driving with your right hand on the top of the wheel, and your elbow bent upwards at ninety degrees.
Then: The hard-as-nails slump, sit so low, and at such a daft angle relative to the dash so as to see out from under that Motorsport sticker. When combined with Cripple Hook improves hazard avoidance reaction time to mere minutes.
Don't forget: The stare – glare at anything with an even remotely powerful engine, anything driven by a male under 50 years old, or absolutely anything driven by a member of the opposite sex.
With these skills tuned to perfection, the young road warriors are nearly ready for the showdown. All they need to do now is tune the ‘Chariots'.
Early next morning under Winston's guidance they start to mod the motors, 1st up a huge rear wing mounted on the roof then a supra style front spoiler fitted to Winston's nova. Split fire plugs, special ht leads, magnets on the fuel line. Winston has a thought, jumps up and runs into Halfords to see Gas,
‘Hey man I need NOS loads of NOS',
"What's NOS?" enquires Gaz,
‘I dunno man but I saw it on this film they had these bottles and buttons and flashing lights and things, he hits a button and get an instant 1500 brake man, must be some type of gas'.
‘Ahhh Gas' says Gaz; ‘they have it at the petrol station down the road in big blue bottles'.
Winston and the other sit staring blankly at the bottle of propane they've just brought,
‘How do we get it into the engine' pipes up Jacob,
‘duno' says Gaz,
' I know' says Winston, ‘if we run a pipe from the bottle to the carb and fix it there with some purple cable ties it should work ok'.
All plumbed in they watch as Winston sets off on his test run 10.........20...........30.............35..............36..... 37.....38......39...40mph Winston opens up the bottle, the car burst's into flames.
They just stood there with there jaws dropped, scarcely believing the fireball before them.
‘Darn it' says Gas ‘we've just lost our best tuner. Damn those Jap cars it's all their fault, rest in pieces Winston, we shall avenge your death'.
They failed to notice the guy running across the car park behind them with what looked to be a one way valve from a calor gas bottle in his hand, they only heard the fabled HKS roar as he jumped into his car and drove off. Little did they know it but revenge for keying a 200sx had just been dished out.
That night
Sharon, after doing some laps of Southend Sea Front, parks up opposite one of the Amusement Arcade and proceeds to hoot at the passing Nova boys with their Neon Under lighting. Sharon spots Gaz on the Sea Front. Prompted by Page 3 Babe Alana, Sharon gets out of her XR2 and lifts her top exposing her Double "D" Cups.
Gaz walks over and mutters" Alright Sharon ”
"Yeah, Wot you doing Gaz?"
"Nuffink, Fancy a Shag"
"Yeah, Alright then Gaz" replies Sharon who has uttered the exact same words for the last 8 months and not only to Gaz. They climb into the back seat of her XR2. Some local lads see what's going on and one shouts "Waaaahay" they run over and start shaking her car, just as Gaz is getting into the Rhythm, resorting to more convention methods, the boyz are on a mission.
Now comes 'Big Tel' and his Corsa 1.6sri (pure speed remember) Off comes the standard back box, replaced with PECO power = 10bhp
Adds the stick on exhaust trim surround = 10bhp
Next the K&N 57i kit = 15bhp
The Surbo = 50bhp
and the finishing touch to push her past the 1/4 mile line first....
Split fire plugs, Magnecor leads, neon gearknob, and Quintuple deck spoiler with blue flashing landing lights = 75bhp. Big Tel adds another 10% - cos the engine is a good'un and fires her up. The mighty GM shopping trolley barks into life as the back box falls off.... He depresses the light action 'town' clutch. Engages first! Revs the little family 2 lump to 6250rpm!!! Sidesteps the clutch!!!!! The Corsa lurches forward like a three-legged gazelle. Bravely the little car picks up momentum, Revs rising to a crescendo of power, torque and valve bounce. Big Tel double de-clutch snap full throttle and changes gear, Beats the synchros and finally gets second!!!! The Corsa's really moving now "c'mon, c'mon c'mon" He's urges the little tarmac terrorist onwards
' WILL HE BEAT HIS PERSONAL BEST AND NUDGE 55mph BEFORE THE MACDONALDS SLIP ROAD - JUST 1/2 MILE AWAY'?
The McDonalds drive through looms ever closer. The beast of a corsa is screaming in second, doing a good 35mph, does he change into 3rd, or keep the bad boy in 2nd and let the finely tuned Vauxhall lump scream its way past 36??? He goes for it... the 'town' clutch is dropped, and he slams it into 3rd. Oh wait, its gone into 5th and he stalled it. How that can be possible with the tight (????) Vauxhall gearbox is almost beyond comprehension. It rolls into McDonalds, and orders a big Mac with fries.
The corsa is now ticking like a grandfather clock, not helped by the incessant revving and wheel spinning up the drive through, not to the amusement of the spotty McDonalds workers but then, over the horizon looms the daddy of all modded town motors. It's the "West side posse" in their fleet of R5 turbos having been out nicking stereos from cars in the local bingo hall car park. Colin, the leader of the posse in one of the meanest muthas in town and is ably supported by his henchmen Gerald and Adrian. They all drive identically modded black R5 turbos that are so low the arches come half way down the wheels. They are all reputed to be running 50psi on stock internals and put out 125hp(for 2 seconds!)
They cruise past giving Big Tel the evil eye coz he called Colin's little sister Kylie a slapper at the school disco in the 3rd year and he bears a grudge. They all boot it in second and activate their dump valves in unison to show their displeasure at Big Tel being on their manor! What the Posse don't realise is the Gaz, in an attempt to win favour with Sharon 's brother John had gone round Colin's garage and broken in. It has been rumoured that they have some new engines that they are getting ready for the Cruise at Halfords next week and Gaz wants the inside knowledge as he also thinks that's where Colin keeps the nicked stereos and probably his porno stash so his Mum won't find it!!!
Gaz has managed to break in unheard because Colin's mum and Dad are engrossed in Eastenders. He climbs in through the window but as he does so he hears the unmistakable sound of a Peco exhaust followed by a dump valve!!! Oh no the posse are on their way back and Gaz is gonna get caught in Colin's garage so he hides behind Colin's Dad's Flymo just in time as the garage door opened. "The west side posse step inside the garage, revelling at their new engines and bantering among each other that at last, with their metal head gaskets, they may finally have overcome their ridiculously common overheating problem. Colin calls his troops to the sidewall of the garage, turns out the standard lights and activates the black light lamps he's procured from some-one's acid party the week before. He lights up the wall to show a list of 50 of the most wanted and desirable bolt on mods ever designed. The west side posse's plan becomes clear to Gaz, they're gonna nick all the nova crew's patent stick on petrol caps - and use them on their powerhouses. Gaz panics, knowing he must warn the other members of his insane nova crew, cos otherwise they're just never gonna pull a bird down southend again, their car's will be "plain" and boring" Gaz races back to let the possie know, he goes to John first knowing that the Escort Cossy is the only thing that stands the best chance in a head to head. But John has just fitted his mega XXXL GT Supra ultimate downforce full adjustable Ally and Carbon Whale fin rear spoiler .
(It's actually a tail fin from a 737 he bought from a dodgy bloke at the Nags head) They both agree the spoiler looks the dogs John and Gaz jump in fire her up and away.... and away....
Err we are not moving John.
' The weight of all the bass bins in the boot and the new spoiler are lifting the front wheels off the ground'
"S**t" shouts Gaz "we're really in furrit now, what we gonna do the cruise is tomorrow night"
"Don't worry" John replies, "I've got an idea"
They huddle closer (so they can hear each other over the bass)
"We pretend to be writers of Max power and call a supplier and get some of that Octopus booster or sumink"
"That is the biz,” cries Gaz The number for Apex Performance is and dialled it up.
Ring ring click "Apex performance Bren speaking"
"Err all right mate" John says giggling slightly as Gaz has accidentally rubbed his hand up Johns Leg!
"We're from Max power and we wanted to test......."
"Aye aright mate, F**K OFF" click
"What we gonna do now John?
"I got it!" exclaims John excitedly.
"Got wot" asks Gaz gormlessly.
"The answer!" exclaims John again even more excitedly " we need a stand alone fuel system and in car telepathy."
"What's that then John?" asked Gaz with his "too hard light" flashing brightly. "Errr.....I dunno but I think I got a idea."
They both go back to John's house and John rushes up to his room and comes back out holding two items in his hands proclaiming,
"This will see us doing sub eleven quarters!"
"You what" asks Gaz looking at the two dusty items John is clutching.
"We'll fit these in the Cossie and this will sort out the problem, all we do is link this into the ECU and we can dial up whatever boost and fueling settings we want!" says John.
Gaz looks at what John is holding.
"Errrr..... John 'aint that a Sinclair ZX Spectrum and an old etch-a-sketch?" "Yeah but we can't afford one of them fancy ones but this must be the same really!?"
"Yeah right, top work John, let's get cracking" shouts Gaz,
Not really knowing what the feck John is on about! They go out to the street and furiously set about installing their newfound salvation into the hole in the dash Gaz has now hacked with a Stanley knife. As the sun sets our two unlikely heroes work into the night fettling their steed (in between working on the mota)
Gaz was on the startling of Santa pod with a skyline in the other lane, he revved the Saxo hard and stared across at the skyline driver who was sweating and had a nervous look on his face.
The lights changed and they were off, the skyline pulled a little ahead. Gaz slammed it up another gear and reeled him in. Steadily he started to pass until there was a good 10 meters in front.
"Gaz!" "Gaz you muppet wake up!" John poked Gaz with the screw diver again and he woke up. "Fat lot of help you are" said john "aww man I was having a good dream" gaz blurted, ”Chippendales again" laughed john.
John then showed Gaz how his new creation worked, "look, if you twiddle this knob the line goes across, and this one makes it go up.
What we have to do is plot our intended power graph onto the screen, fire the spectrum up which reads the info and downloads it into the ECU" "Amazing" Gaz gasped, "what shall we set it to?", " uurmm how about 950bhp for a start, with a near Vertical torque curve" "that should sort those pesky C5 ermm sorry R5's out". Gaz concentrated hard as he twiddled the knobs to achieve the required power graph.
"Aahhhchew" "bugger" "what!?" said john. "I sneezed and moved this button the wrong way, your set to go to 1200bhp at 2000rpm and then down to 26bhp at 3000rpm" "you fu*kin flid" shouted john, "don't worry, we can reset these things" says Gaz "how?" john snarled "you just shake them up and down and it clears it all" "How the hell are we gonna do that? It's fixed to the car!" Gaz paused for a thought, which triggered of a migraine. "I Know" Gaz shouted " you get that side of the car and stand on the sill and I'll stand on the sill here, if we jump up and down enough the screen should clear"
Gaz and John start jumping up and down and gradually the screen begins to clear, when Crack! The suspension gives in and the car drops, wheels smashing into the arches, crushing the zorst and popping the tyres. Gaz starts running as john roots for his half of a snooker cue he hid behind the seat. John finally finds what he's looking for, his trusty half snooker cue.” I'll get the stupid kid" he thinks to himself and takes of after Gaz who is running for his life, after all he has just helped to destroy the local loonies pride and joy. Gaz turns a corner leaps over a barrier and legs it over a dual carriageway and into some back alleys,
"5hit he's still behind me" he thinks to himself, "what can I do to shake him?" Gaz gets an idea, running towards the super market thinking of hiding in the crowds, only its 11:30pm and the 24 hour isn't to busy. Gaz stands at the door frozen at the sight of john running towards him in across the car park. Boom Boom yagga yagga Booooom Booom screatch, Jacob enters the car park sideway trying to impress the girlies again. Whallop! John flies through the air and lands on the bonnet of another car, Jacob carries on unaware of his new dent wondering why mc muthu fluka hard nut had decided to put that extra bass boom in that particular place as it didn't sound quite right. Meanwhile Gaz is off legging it to Maccy D's where his crew hang out and explain whats just happened to john. John finally calms down, and he and Gaz kiss and make up - they'll never make the cruise unless they both work together on this one.
"C'mon Jon", says Gaz. "If we don't get this top mota to the cruise, we'll never get to have a 3 some with them page 3 birds from Max Power Mag!”
Our 2 heroes work tirelessly to replace the exhaust with a section of plastic drainpipe ("Much lighter than steel!" says Gaz) and replace the suspension with some off a mountain bike they nicked last week. Luckily, John has a Halfords puncture repair kit, and they are able to fix the tyres. All that remains is the engine mapping. Gaz gets to work on the Etch a Sketch, and draws the mother of all power curves - Peak power of 937BHP at 12345Rpm, and a torque curve like Kylie Minouge's a*se. It's a beauty "F*kin' hell" says John “quick lets get the speccy” "How?" Says Gaz. "Where's the tape player? That's how we used to do it!" "I wired it to the Goodman's Head Unit, via the 300Watt Equalizer Booster" replies Gaz excitedly. John somehow manages to insert the Etch a Sketch into the tape slot, and hits the play button. He fires up the Spectrum, and looks excitedly at the 12 inch black and white display as the mighty processor rumbles into life and boots up.
Jon gets to work on the keyboard: L - O - A - D - " - E - ......" "Sh*t!, we're screwed!" He says quietly. A Hush descends.
"What's up?" says Gaz.
" The F%ckin' T key doesn't work....
Our boys give up, the cars never going to make the cruise.
 
Just a little something to cheer the boys up!! |
At the moment Jacob appears dressed in his finest Ali G gear and shouting Booyaka at random. He finds our hero's drawing pictures of what they think women's bits look like on the etch a sketch. Jacob interrupts the Rolf Harris session.. The challenge is in. he announces. ‘The West side posse has challenged us, the winner gets the cars and control of the streets, and the losers find a new patch to cruise. We will never get laid if we don't win... eeer again I mean...'
‘What's the deal? Utters john.
‘The old airfield strip, today at 5 past that hour that's straight down on the clock face.'
Sh*t you mean 6' John looks at the two with a stern face. ‘There is only one thing for it. ‘
He walks to the garage and produces from his pocket a large bunch of keys, unlocks the garage door and lifts the door up and over to reveal. His Dads Street racing Escort Mexico , lovingly restored over years to its finest racing days. Gaz and Jacob's jaws drop, like looking at a piccy of Jordan . They all jump in, after that they all get in the car, dials and switches everywhere like a James Bond car. John fires her up; a mighty roar is produced from the highly polished zorst.
The three, head of to the airstrip full of confidence.
‘Booyaka' shouts Jacob.
‘Shut the f*ck up' the others reply As the metallic luminous green paintwork glimmers in the setting sun, with the fluffy dice swinging to the beat of Ali G stylie music from the 8-track, nothing can go wrong this time. Jacob gets on his new mobile phone office to gather the rest of the possie, everybody should see this moment. Jacob's new colour interactive web enabled multi screen changeable cover phone has a new feature, SAD GIT MODE, you can get the phone to ring you at random, when you answer it plays faint garbled voices to make you look popular. The possie approaches, each car in a different day glow colour that would make Tango proud.
Each car with assorted bits of plastic glued on to make them look "sporty" Each car with an exhaust trim, screwed onto another exhaust trim, for that big zorst look. A ladies garter (still with price tag) hangs from the rear view mirror with an ultra violet spotlight aimed to highlight it. It's going to be the finest hour for them..... Or will it
6pm arrives, and the possie are out in force. Saxo's, Nova's and Corsa's with every conceivable Halfords supplied accessory line the sides of the road, waiting in anticipation for the big show down. A small crowd of neutral onlookers has also formed, eager to see a Heavyweight epic battle of Audley Harrison vs. Frank 'Behind You!' Bruno proportions. This is the real thing A distant rumbling noise is heard, heads all turn, to see the East Side posse scraping the side skirts of there 'slammed' R5GTTs negotiating Tesco's speed bumps to enter the battlefield. Smoke fills the air, no one is quite sure if it's weed or just a head gasket failure, but no one really cares. This is too important. Time for the show down the teams face off - with lots of arms bent, leaning back, daft stare style posturing.
Some are smoking Joints, trying to look hard
Some are spitting, trying to look hard
Some are drinking Stella, trying to look hard
Some are facing the wrong way....
The tension mounts
The Goodman's/Matsui Combos blare to distortion, boot lids fuzz incessantly with harmonic distortion.
Then...
The mother of all modified cars arrives.... Followed by another, and yet one more........ The beasts boast proper tuned Turbos, Lairy Graphics, More lights than is strictly necessary, and are full of blokes carrying more than just snooker cues.
They are Volvo T5Rs they are the LAW!!!!
What we got ere then? Ask's one of the cops (mid life crises abated by his 'souped up' Volvo'!
‘It's me motor init' ‘Get out of the car lad....' as he's mates are desperately juggling their ultra-hip plastic fones calling there mums. The copper looks at the plate, ‘
What this supposed to be?'
'It's me Carbon Fibred covered plate init highlighted in neon Mr.'
As the other's flee to change venue the copper book's the 'young offender' for noise pollution (from his Goodman's), incorrect vehicle license plate, no tax, no insurance, bald tyres and restricted visibility out the rear window thanks to a 4 foot by 3 foot Alpine sticker! The boy has learnt his lesson and scuttles off home,
... meanwhile, the faint smell of blue smoke and the sound of plastic scraping can be heard from the Halfords car park drawing nearer. The race is on Gradually the noise of scraping plastic is joined by what sounds like a giant swarm of wasps approaching. Then, through a haze of burning 2 strokes, appear the local 16-year-old biker gang!
There are Peugeot Speedfights and Aprilia SR50's for most of the boys, although John is still riding his Mum's Vespa. Clayton's Dad has bought him a Gilera DNA for his 16th birthday and it almost looks like a proper bike if you squint and stand far enough back. The leader of the gang Chaz is riding Spain's finest, a Derbi GPR50, which is supposed to look like a race rep, although secretly they all know the only race rep it, looks anything like, is one that has gone on a major diet and then been hit from both sides by a bus. The illusion is also shattered by the fact that it sounds similar to a duck on speed, trapped at the end of a long tunnel. With their 50cc of ‘power' each these boys know they are the ones that really rule the roost! Chaz's jealousy of boys with proper transport gets too much for him and all his insecurities about his acne and dubious sexual orientation boil to the surface.
“Come on,” shouts Chaz “lets go teach this lot a lesson” Unfortunately Chaz is wearing a full-face helmet, and most of his posse have fitted illegal and pointlessly load and screamy exhausts. As a result when he turns into the Halfords car park he finds himself alone, in a car park full of lowered, spoilered, multicoloured shopping trolleys with two rival gangs about to go into deadly battle. Chaz sh1ts himself and rides off at full pelt
30 mph in a racing crouch .
The two gangs look at each other and totally non-pulsed by this brief appearance of some spotty pillock on a posh moped and after a few seconds of silent thought Jacob shouts
“Right, lets get it on!”
The other guys all eye him suspiciously for a second but then realize he means the race. Battle is about to commence and there can be only one victor (although Victor's mum wouldn't let him out tonight so it'll have to be one of the other boys). Chaz winds the throttle and sets off at all speed, well it sets off. Chaz is slightly quicker off the mark. Jacob now lets rip, they all laugh. Jacob now plants his foot firmly down on the ali covered go pedal of his Saxo VTS. The Saxo lunges forward and is soon catching Chaz. Chaz checks over his shoulder, sees Jacob, then crouches down into Olympic speed posture, his steed is performing well and sounds like a swarm and hornets crossed with a long wet fart. Jacob turns up the tunes, Snoop doggy dog blares out on the 16-speaker system. Jacob giggles and goes red as Snoop just said dick.
Then suddenly he slams on the brakes. Could this mean disaster?
The exit to the retail park has that speed bump. How could he have forgotten??? The Saxo with all the plastic glued to it could never make it over that bump, not since he cut two coils off the springs as well. The possie look on in horror.
‘What can we do they cry???
John suggests that the all pick up a corner and lift it over the bump. Jacob jumps out and shouts the rest over
"There is only one think we can do, everybody grab a spoiler and pull, it's only stuck on with Humbrol model glue, I had some left over from making the models of the Skyline, ZX & Veilside 200sx”
John thinks of Billing again and pulls as quick as he could, they all tell him to stop as they have not got time for that and its disgusting in public. They all yank away at the
Body kits and soon the kits have formed a pile. Oddly bigger than the car they were removed from. Jacob jumps back in and heads for that speed bump with a vision of victory and what John was doing a minute ago. Chaz has now built up a lead of what can only be described as meters.
Who will be the final victor???
With terminal velocity of almost 40mph the vibration and rattling is almost unbearable and still with over half the race to go Gaz checks his DTM style door mirror just in time to see his stick on "Racing" filler cap peel off and stick to Jacobs mota suddenly there's a pop
"S**t, man what the f**k was that" Jacobs approaching fast but the fuel cap is stuck on his single wiper conversion and no amount of hardcore rave is shifting it Gaz is losing speed and what's worse the pop was his sub blowing up Gaz can see victory slipping through his fingers. Despite pushing the engine to the very limits of it's mechanical ability, his full throttle shift to second at 5000Rpm only serves to make a grinding noise loud enough to drown out even Jacobs bass bins. He looks across, to see Chaz slowly but surely pulling away! Chaz winds up the completely black side window, before anybody else sees him tugging himself at the prospect of winning his first race.
But Wait! There is something not quite right with Chaz's car! Has the engine let go? Or the gearbox? Or the tyres? No, it's much worse! With the intense thrashing the car is currently receiving, there seems to be a crack appearing just on the rear side of the car. Chunks of body filler are falling out, and there's a line appearing. Chaz's car is a 5 door! And he's filled in the rear doors to make it look cool, but nobody is being fooled now! Gaz is filled with a new sense of optimism, as even he knows, that his 3 door nova will beat any 5 door car, cos it has too many doors. Even the twin Peco DTM tail pipes won't save Chaz now. And just at that moment, the Dimma stick on cap dislodges itself, lowering the frontal area of the car by 10 square 10cms. Gaz can physically feel the extra pull, and those inches to Chaz are closing. The excitement reaches the kind of level usually only seen during bowling matches on the village green with the OAPs club. The race is wide open, but who will triumph?????
The balance tips back in favour of Gaz!!!! But wait - what's that new noise?? It's a sort of tingle a ling type tune!?!? It's his phone - mid Race!!!! Displaying his Schumacher like skill he deftly kills the stereo volume and answers the mobile - all at 39.9mph!!!! What A Hero!
"Yeah - hoo dis?"
-"I beg your pardon"
"wassup bitch - hoo dis?"
-"hoo dis? THIS IS YOUR MOTHER GAVIN!"
"Oh sorry Mumsie, I didn't realise it was you please don't be mad at me"
-"Where are you? I want my car back NOW!"
"B-b-b-b-b-b-but Mumsie, I busy with my friends"
-"I don't care, I've got work tomorrow, and I want my Saxo back, and another thing - you better not have been sticking ludicrous fake carbon whassit stuff all over it again.... Cos if you have, you'll be grounded for a month!"
"But mummmmmmmmiiee THAT IS SO UNFAIR!"
- "NOW GAVIN!"
This interruption is enough to slow Gaz down and a bright red R5 turbo goes steaming (literally) past him.
‘Knackers' says Gaz
‘I can still hear you young man!' says Gaz's mum.
Now it's past Gaz the R5 is sure to pass Chaz, but it begins to slow down, and the lights are dimming. Finally the R5 comes to a pitiful halt. The illuminated washer jets, neon ground kit, interior neon tubing, front LED bar, LED door lock caps and other assorted illuminous crap has drained the battery completely dead.
“But you bought all this from Max Power, they sell stuff even the Japanese don't get" says the confused 15 year old passenger, whilst finishing his bottle of White Lightening.
“Yeah, but I ‘s'pose it's a wonder it moved at all really under the weight of all this sh1te” said the dejected owner, Toby, says in a brief and rare moment of clarity, he's now determined to go out and buy a proper car tomorrow, oh yes a Vauxhall Calibra will be his!
Gaz knows this is his only opportunity to win the race, but what with all his stickers falling off and his Mum really bringing him down, he just can't catch Chaz. In a haze of burning 2 stroke, Chaz crosses the finish line at the end of the car park to a rapturous round of applause from all the adolescent girlies who had come out to watch their ‘men' do battle.
Chaz stops his bike but is most perplexed. He only came into the car park to pick a fight, then thought he was going to have the crap beat out of him, then these nutters tried to mow him down and finally they are clapping him!! Chaz can barely contain his bladder as he takes off his helmet. Gaz finally reaches the finish line in a snowstorm of plastic stickers. Once he's freed himself from his Max Power race harness he goes up to Chaz and grudgingly shakes his hand. Chaz still looks mighty confused as Gaz, close to tears, explains:
“You won the race to the finish line, so you're now the top kiddy, all the way from the chip shop on the High Street to the letterbox outside B&Q.” It slowly (very slowly, we're talking minutes) dawns on Chaz the momentous occasion he has stumbled across, that's some prime territory Gaz just mentioned. He has power! But what should he do with it?
The End |
